I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
