When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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