If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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