3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
