Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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