You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
