You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
