Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
