somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
