Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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