I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
