1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Randomize
