My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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