Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
