You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
