Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
