I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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