so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
