you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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