somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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