I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
