My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
