I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You were trust falling into bushes
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
