happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
