dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
