im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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