you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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