Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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