toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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