shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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