that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
