my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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