This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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