I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
