I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
