Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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