What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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