you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
