ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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