i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
