it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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