he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Randomize
