i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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