...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
