i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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