the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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