I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
