Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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