I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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