Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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