My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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