I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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