i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He better not be in your backpack
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
