probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
